I’m okay but I am not fine. I have used this public holiday to do some self reflection and realised that there are parts of me that need attention. That bad-ass feminist I portrayed for the last few years was just a fictional character. The real Tanaka is nothing close to that and I am scared. Maybe its abandonment issues that made me this way but whatever it is, I hate it. I hate the person I am and I wish I could change that.

My constant desire for validation has turned me into a desperate slut. There has never been a point in my life where I am alone, where I am not constantly looking for reassurance or obsessing over a guy that could ask me to do anything and I will agree. The last guy in my life made me realize how desperate I was to be loved. Tell me why I was emotionally investing in someone that overpromised, rarely cheered me on and constantly made me question whether I am even worthy of being loved. He was the “14 -day trial period” type. The type to give you rose colored glasses to wear before he shows you his true colors. I am an overthinker but most of the time I am right. I know when I am bothering someone, I know when I am not needed and God knows I know when I am wasting someone’s time.

I am still trying to figure out why I do this. Loving and being in love makes me feel alive. It masks the broken parts of me and makes me feel human again. It makes me forget that there was a time when I was hurting. The problem is I have always rushed to try again as soon as the wounds heal. Heartbreak after heartbreak. My only crime is being a lover and now I feel like I need to heal again.

A deep part of me believes that I deserve a love that does not come with pain. A love where I am needed and made to feel wanted each and every minute. Where I am never scared of losing them because I know that wherever they are, I am the queen of their heart. Yes I am insecure and clingy but is it a crime to love someone the way I love?

Call me crazy but I cannot stop loving. The most I can do is leaving those that do not want or need my love. I’ll be more careful. I’ll take my time to see through people before I commit but I cannot stop. Because being a lover makes me feel alive the most.

 

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