You know that moment when you really want to laugh about something then you realize it was really painful and you just end up bawling like a spoiled five year old that only wanted a rainbow cone. That was me a few nights ago.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to vent.
At this point I have accepted the fact that I have only a small small circle of friends, the rest are either classmates, roommates, colleagues, church mates or relatives, and I am okay with that. Thank God for primary school and mutual friends, am I right? Friendship should not be something that leaves you evaluating your self worth especially at a time when it is so hard to wake up and live life. It’s not something that should leave you confused, sad, depressed and heartbroken.
I’ll start with a flashback……
On my first day of university I made a friend and I really saw her as one of my bridesmaids and the god mother to my babies and vice versa. We were almost like sisters and we had a lot of disagreements but we always managed to fix them. Truth be told, I feel like I am the one that always apologized or started the conversation. This time was different. All I remember is waking up and Sister Holy was not talking to me anymore. The worst part of it all was the fact that I had exams. You’ve never looked stupid until you walk up to someone all smiles and then they just give you a frozen shoulder. Since I am “Mrs never-had-a-man-before” I thought she had had a fight with her boyfriend and needed space. I am not good with relationship advice and that was my first guess honestly. A day turned into almost four months of bat, not even a birthday message. She did not even post me on her status on my birthday, that’s when I thought I knew I had done something drastic. We are talking about four months of nothing.
At first I ignored it, it hurt but I am one person that has learnt to either hide her pain or decorate it in social media posts, amazing right?
We actually used to be a trio and I remember asking the other friend, what I had done wrong but she kept on stalling and it worsened my anxiety. I was now worried, these were like my only friends on campus (talk about putting your eggs in one basket). I tried guessing what I had done. Maybe I had…
- Said something mean about her unaware and somehow it had reached her
- Abandoned her when she needed me this most (overnight??)
- Her boyfriend said I had tried to flirt with him (I don’t trust three legged creatures)
- The friendship was not working for her
Part of me actually thought it was the last part and so after four months, I decided to be the bigger person and apologize. Econet had just reviewed its tariffs for the third time and I texted her, (WhatsApp futi??)
First I wished her a happy belated birthday, thanked her for everything she had done for me and apologized for God knows what I had done. Since I had been getting the silent treatment I did not expect a reply. To my surprise I did, she said she was also wrong for not telling me what I had done wrong. I almost had a heart attack when she finally told me what I had done wrong.
Help me here, maybe I am overreacting.
Imagine someone not talking to you for over four months because you were rude to them when they tried to wake you up. Women will never cease to amaze me. I clearly had had a rough day and did not want to be woken up. I laughed and cried, mostly crying because tests and assignments were showing me flames and all of me was tired. But past is past, I am over it. The last message I sent her was;
“Don’t worry about me, I wish you all the best in your life”
And as you might have guessed, sis did turn into to a WhatsApp poet and went on to preach on and on about how some people are not meant to be in her story.
Maybe she missed the part where I was human and was also created with feelings. Maybe I am not much of a morning person and I should greet people with hugs and kisses when I wake up especially when I have exams to study for, orders to deliver and appointments. She did not consider how four months would make me realize that I have people who love me thrice as much as she thought she did because they were there for me. My former roommates for example.
I could not even think straight when I was writing this because I was hurt and I am failing to express myself and how the whole situation made me feel. Deep down I still feel like there was more to the silence. She treated me like I was a stray dog in her life for four months and if that is not wrong then I do not what to know what she considers right.
But I forgave her.
I value my peace of mind and no friendship is worth that. Not even family. Peace is so important and bad energy just doesn’t help.